livingwithablackdog

sit. stay. good boy.

The Wall with a Hole in it … 30/09/2011

Filed under: Clinical Depression,Depression,Experiencing Depression,Function,Managing Depression,Monitoring early warning signs, triggers & Wellness action Planning,My Black Dog,Routine,self-management strategies,Work — jillnottelten @ 5:23 pm
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And I’m not talking ATM.
Have you ever felt yourself to be up against that dragon that you were never destined to slay?  That worm you’ll never be early enough to get? The one that leaves you feeling like the Emperor in all his glory when he set out in grand style to show off his ‘new clothes’ just when you think you’ve gotten a hold on it.

My nemesis is time.  Not just any time – although we have a slippery time keeping pace with each other continually.  No, the ultimate battle is drawn around the time of sleep and waking.  Here I am repeatedly mauled by my dragon, eaten by the worm and left with nothing but the Emperor’s new clothes to show for all the effort that I have made to conquer the struggle.  I feel as though I am beating my head against a brick wall.

What happens you ask?

I set an alarm clock.  Actually I set two alarm clocks ten minutes apart.  I do not trust myself with one.  I have been known to turn one off in my sleep!  I set one to raise my level of consciousness and the other to wake me.  For most of the year this is adequate.  But then comes the changing of the guard – it starts to get light earlier or later in the spring or autumn and for several weeks my dog hides the alarm clocks.  He must.  Some nights anyway – because they sure as hell don’t wake me.  But then I also have trouble in getting to sleep – so maybe it’s not all the dog’s fault.  At times I sleep no more than an hour or two a night.  Others I may get to sleep and then wake up at two in the afternoon – ON A WORK DAY!  This year I thought that I was winning at work until the seasonal sleep monster set in.

Right now I feel like I am beating my head against a brick clock.  In getting to sleep.  In waking up.  In getting to work.  My psychiatrist has given me something to try for the short-term (ie 4-6 weeks) as it’s a regular pattern and struggle and part of a bigger picture of short-term seasonal change in my mood.  It’s not a relapse – just a dip.  But oh so disappointing because its been so stable for so long.  In lots of ways I think I could handle it if the sleep didn’t go out the window.  It’s started to affect my work though, so I’m taking the medical option this time.  Maybe next time I’ll be able to have the personal strategies down strongly enough to manage it without boosting my meds for a few weeks – but I need to prioritise keeping my job over my pride for this time.  I may have to wake up and phone in to work in the Emperor’s new clothes.  I do not have to parade through the streets in them.

Bloody Dog.

Damn Clock.

So for now I get my sleep under control.  I keep my mood stable with a little extra help than usual until the season settles.  At least I will be able to keep the dog in his place.  At least I will stop messing things up so badly in getting to work.  It will only be for a few weeks and then its back to the normal cocktail that I’ve accepted will be a part of everyday.  Back to using my ‘personal medicine’ or lifestyle strategies to manage life and its stressors.  Then I get summer to strengthen my other skills and to be ready for autumn when it comes.  Perhaps I will plan a short increase in meds again.  Perhaps I will plan time off work.  Perhaps I will be enough on top of my sleep to manage it with flying colours.

My Dog loves the twilight of the seasons.  He thinks its play time.  He loves the dawn.  He dances while I wake.

Oh to be able to open one eye and say in my firmest voice.

“Sit. Dog.  Sit!”

And have confidence that he’d obey.

One day.  One day he will.  One day I am determined to slay that dragon.

One day.

 

Seasons Come & Seasons Go 29/09/2011

Filed under: Depression,Experiencing Depression,Function,Leisure,Managing Depression,Monitoring early warning signs, triggers & Wellness action Planning,My Black Dog,self-management strategies,Treatment Resistant Depression,Work — jillnottelten @ 10:24 pm
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Some people are Summer people.  Some people, spring people.  Some are winter people.  Some love autumn.

No, I’m not talking about people’s colouring or the things that they like to wear (that is something that I, in fact know very little about).  I am simply talking about peoples’ favourite times of year.  Some people like to soak up the sunshine in summery garb out in the garden, down at the beach or over at the local pool.  Others love to curl up by the fire in their favourite jumper under a rug with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate – or put a movie on.  Some love the colours of autumn and the beginnings of that lick of ice in the early evening.  And some the radiant brightness of spring, its scents, the new life, the slow steady warmth, the magpies diving at you from overhead…

I never settled to a favourite time of year.  I really do enjoy almost all of all seasons – and by the time one ends I am ready for the next.  I am not fond of the days that exceed 40 degrees celsius with no cool breeze for long stretches at a time.  Hot winds are their own breed of evil in Australia for reasons far beyond temperature tolerance.  I’m not a great fan of temperatures at the other end of the spectrum either – especially if they come with a wind.  Actually – wind bugs me more than temperature.  But seasons – apart from the odd bits like getting up in the dark to go to work in winter – seasons are a delight.  Full of life.  At least, I always used to think so.

My dog pays attention to the seasons too.

Unlike me, the dog has clear preferences for different times of the year.  It took me a while to work this out, but its consistent.  The dog is stubborn in winter.  He moves slow.  He needs more time.  He takes more time and holds me up whether I plan it or not and he wears me out more easily than he does during the warmer months.  I think he’s arthritic.  He gives me no trouble if I allow for the arthritis though.  A bit more sleep – 1/2 hr or so more than I need in summer and I’m fine.  I just need to be patient.

Summer is usually the dog’s best time of year.  He still needs discipline, but he’s more content to walk at heel and doesn’t drag and tug away at the lead.  Spring and Autumn are strange.  Most of the seasons fall in with the winter and summer behaviour for Dog according to temperature and what the light is doing.  In each of these season there comes a point where the light changes – and over these few weeks the dog goes nuts.  He is unpredictable.  I can not afford to let my guard down for more than a few moments at a time.  My sleep gets poor – this starts the ball rolling.  My energy levels become low, my motivation to maintain routine relapse prevention strategies gets sloppy and I soooo don’t feel like doing anything about it.  It at these times that I have frequently relapsed (almost without exception).  I made it through autumn this year.  So far I have struggled this far through the last few weeks.  Another 3 – 4 should see me through the worst of it.

Until then, its keep on keeping on and stick to the programme.  Watch for warning signs – the very time of year in and of itself is a trigger – even without the presence of other factors.  Light does funny things to my health in other areas too.  It’s like the dog becomes delirious.  Here is a time when I need my friends and family – my supports more than any other time of the year.  I’m struggling to get to work on time at the moment, but so far my boss has let me cover with time in lieu.  Still, I’m determined to conquer that one too.  I get there on time more often than not – just not as often as I should.  Just now – when I least feel like it – discipline becomes oh so important.

I had my last review with my Psychiatrist this week.  We agreed that it would also be possibly a beneficial thing to increase one of my medications for 1-2 months during the peak risk zone while I’m wrestling risk factors and wavering – just for that short-term – and then go back to my current dose afterwards as the weather and season stabilises a bit more.

Hopefully the combination of ‘personal medicine’ or monitoring of triggers and early warning signs with the kind of action plans that are outlined in my post “Better Medicine”  with the temporary medication adjustment will prove to be a good protective measure.  I’ve had a good year.  I’d hate to mess it up now.  I’m hoping to get to at least a whole year without a relapse this year!

So roll on to the latter end of Spring.  Because despite all of this, I really do love spring.  There’s a certain level of hope and promise in the air in Spring that’s unique to this time of year.

Come Dog.  Heel.  Walk.  Heel.  Walk.  Heel …

 

Food Glorious Food 25/09/2011

Filed under: Clinical Depression,Depression,Managing Depression,Physical health & wellbeing,self-management strategies — jillnottelten @ 5:54 pm
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Fruit.  Vegetables.  Meat.  Protein.  Dairy. Iron.  Carbohydrates.  Breads.  Cereals. Rice. Pasta.  Vitamin E.  Vitamin C.  Vitamin D. Vitamin B.  Fats.  Sugar.  Cholesterol.
Hormones.  Blood Sugar levels.  Chocolate.  Shortbread…

How we eat makes a big difference to how we feel.  It affects how much energy we have.  It affects how efficiently our system processes what we do eat and how easily it will break down and prevent or minimise constipation.  For some it can affect them at a more vital level – for those with diabetes it is even more important to monitor food intake, as for those with particular allergies.

Recent studies indicated that people with depression have a high (anything up to a one in two) risk of developing diabetes.  That is an enormously scarily high statistic.  You might ask, “Why?  Why this on top of everything else?”

A large part of the answer is thought to be tied up in lifestyle issues.  They actually think that for most people this is preventable!  Risk factors for development of type 2 diabetes include lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle (ie sitting around a lot and inactive), obesity especially if your weight distribution is more around your stomach than your hips and thighs, eating unhealthily is a major cause of type 2 diabetes – too much fat, too many simple carbohydrates and not enough fibre in particular; also high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, high cortisol (stress hormone) levels,  smoking, family history, gestational diabetes and aging (over age 45 becomes higher risk).

A lot of these risk factors overlap with issues that occur regularly in people with depression.  It is common for people with depression to have little physical exercise and very sedentary lifestyles, poor diet and become overweight due to a combination of this and at times side effects of medications – and the lovely little belly that the medication leaves is usually a tummy rather than hips and thighs.  Stress level hormone levels may be high due to anxiety levels; depression, like diabetes often has genetic links, many of the high levels can be secondary to diet and lack of exercise and statistics indicate that a high proportion of people with depression also smoke.  Oh – and yes, we might say that we’re 39 for a while, but everybody ages.

The good news is that the majority of the factors identified as risks are preventable.  They are also helpful ways to improve the prognosis of the course of our mental health.

Look for ways to become more active.  Start small and build up a little at a time.  Sooner or later you will feel like you are exercising.  In the meantime, you will be stretching out those muscles and getting them ready for a challenge.  One of the biggest weight loss programmes in the world was started by a woman who started out by walking around her clothesline.

Research what needs to go into a balanced diet.  Plan what you will eat ahead of time and stick to it.  I find this really hard, but it really is worth it.  I have more energy when I do and it helps keep a lot of other things more balanced.  Try cutting up your veggies when you get them and storing them ready to use – that way you don’t have as much to do to prepare food when you have to cook.  Same with your meat and everything else.  It takes longer to store – but half the time (at least for me) a large part of the battle in getting the energy together to get something healthy and wholesome to eat is in overcoming that ‘I don’t feel like all the preparation’ feeling.  At worst keep a couple of pre-cooked healthy meals stored in the freezer for when you don’t feel like cooking.

Talk to your doctor about a Quit smoking programme.  It is possible.  People do it all the time.

See someone about some anxiety management strategies.  If you already see a case worker, therapist or doctor ask them for advice about what to do or where to go.  Look around for local programmes through community health resources.  If you get stuck and are not sure where to start, check out the mindfulness and CBT pages on this site or post me a comment and let me know.  If you’re in Australia, ask your GP to write you a referral under “Better Health” to see a psychologist or clinical psychologist.

Just to start off, this week I had a really simple meal of a piece of steak about the size of the palm of my hand.  I had a couple of mushrooms that I chopped up and cooked with it in the pan.  I then steamed in the microwave generous serves of broccoli, cauliflower, both green beans and yellow ones and some snow peas that I grew in my garden.  It was filling, plain and simple.

Why not share something healthy that you cook/prepare or plan to cook/prepare after reading this in the comments.  Maybe we can collect some recipes and ideas?

 

I wanna be a … 18/09/2011

Filed under: Clinical Depression,Depression,Function,Managing Depression,Routine,self-management strategies,Work — jillnottelten @ 8:29 pm
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Jetson!

Are you old enough to know The Jetsons, I wonder?  Most are, surely.

I’m not after the groovy little space-sedan.

I’m not even in it so much for the robot house keeper – although I would certainly NOT turn her away …

I want the bed that tips you out when you need to get up, stands you up and puts you on a conveyor belt to the shower and gets you started for the day.

I swear, that has got to be the hardest part of the day!  I’m okay once I’m showered and dressed for the day – but until that point it is all up hill.

On work days I don’t trust myself with less than two alarm clocks.  I’ve been known to turn alarm clocks off in my sleep.  I figure that one will at least bring me out of deep sleep and the second can wake me if the first doesn’t.  I don’t keep at least one near my bed.  I make sure that I need to touch floor to turn it off.  I also make sure it’s a really noxious sound so that I don’t just let it keep going.

One thing that I don’t do that a lot of people say works well for them is put out my clothes the night before.  I have tried it a few times, but tend to finish up thinking that I don’t feel like wearing what I put out and finish up dithering over what I do want to wear.  That said – it would probably work fine on work days if I kept it up – so I should try it again.

I also tend to waste a lot of time putting off getting to the shower (especially in winter) puttering around the house.  Alas! This just makes me late.

Oh for an alarm clock that tipped the mattress 45 degrees and dumped me on the floor with a bang if I reached for a snooze button!

Drat the need for motivation, will power, decent routine & bedtimes, discipline in lights out and organisation in the morning.

But then again, if I have been eating well, doing exercise, working, and going to bed at a decent hour I am likely to have been refreshed by sleep and find it easier (note that the word here is “easier” and NOT necessarily “easy”) to wake and rise.  Perhaps key to my struggle with rising in the mornings is my lack of discipline in other areas – most obviously in getting to bed at a decent hour reliably, but also exercising regularly.  I would also have more energy if my diet included more fruit and vegetables.

So many things to fine tune.

I still envy George Jetson.

 

My Pyjamas 07/09/2011

Filed under: Depression,Function,Managing Depression,Routine,self-management strategies — jillnottelten @ 12:37 pm
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I know better.  I really, really do.  There are good reasons why it’s not uncommon to find me in my pyjamas long after I get up.  Really …

Firstly they are comfortable.  Soft fabric, loose, warm, cosy.  In summer soft and breezy.

They’re warm (it’s still cool down here in the Southern hemisphere)

I’d need to take them off and be unwarm for a little while to get dressed.

I don’t feel like having a shower and all that yet (today is my day off).  Too much effort.

I’m not sure what I want to wear later today and am not that motivated to choose at the moment because it really doesn’t matter.

I’m at home.

They’re home and relaxing kind of feeling things.

Nobody else is going to see me.

I LIKE my pyjamas!

It saves washing???

Smell? What smell? …  ohh! you mean the one that’s following me when I do this for three days in a row without changing?

But that’s not me today.  Today’s my day off.  Lots of people mooch around in their PJs late into the morning on their day off.  Yet, only last week I was recalling that this behaviour – when habitual is one of my warning signs.How do I know the difference?  In truth – I don’t.  At least, I’ve missed the warning signs until too late enough times that I know that I’m not yet able to reliably spot the difference.  What can I do?

The first option is to not let myself stay in my PJs after getting up whatever the day – rather to go straight for the shower or get dressed as soon as I get up.  Reality is that I don’t really put a serious start to the day while I’m still in my PJs – and I need to move past the ‘getting up’ phase of the day earlier than I do much of the time.

The second is that I time limit it and say that I need to be out of my PJs by a certain time.  I’m thinking of taking this one up.  Which means the next thing that I need to do is head for the shower because it has passed that time already.

Wish me luck.