livingwithablackdog

sit. stay. good boy.

Eject! 29/07/2016

I want George Jetson’s bed.George Jetson

The one that stands him up and deposits him on a conveyor belt when the alarm clock goes.

It then takes him straight to the shower to be washed (and wake up properly!) before it progresses through an area where he is dried and finally, his clothing put on.

It’s the hardest part of starting any day.

The most impressive thing is that this idea is universal enough to have become a very popular part of the opening theme of a television cartoon series (… at least for all you generation X-ers out there).  Everybody could identify with it.

Getting out of bed and preparing to face the day is not easy.

It’s not just George who needs a bit of help.  How many shows and movies show people being “encouraged” out of bed in the morning by way of a bucket of water? A swift removal of the covers? Somebody violently shaking them and calling their name?

How often do you see people portrayed stumbling to the shower in the morning, still half asleep?

Sometimes I think that its easy to forget that difficulty in the mornings is not just something that came with the onset of Depression or under the influence of medication.

It was always hard for me – since my teens.

It has always been more appealing to stay in a nice, warm bed than to move and get to the point where I am heading off to work or school, to uni or some appointment somewhere.  Especially the things that are compulsory – even the ones I enjoy.

Sure I think it’s sometimes harder than it used to be – but sometimes, when I’m not really depressed, I wonder just how much.  I just have another reason to add to the others when it comes down to it.  The reason is real … but the issue itself isn’t new.

Sometimes I wonder if I look at the period before I was hit with depression wearing a nice and sparkly pair of rose-coloured glasses.  After all, if I have gotten to the point where the idea of “normal” is strange, who’s to say that I’d even recognise what was once “normal” for me if it hit me on the head.

The truth is that despite the fact that this illness does affect my energy levels; despite the fact that my medication can slow my system down and make me drowsy; despite the fact that there are days where I feel really unmotivated (and by the way I, like most people had my share of those before I had Depression); despite the fact that I have less in my day …

I’m not sure that I could say with any confidence that getting up and ready for the day was ever something I greeted with enthusiasm …. beyond perhaps birthdays, Christmas and special events as a kid.

I don’t struggle with mornings because I have depression.

I just struggle with mornings.

… a little like a big chunk of the rest of the population.

 

But I still want a bed like George Jetson.

(… and I’m not the only one!)

 

 

Apologies for a long absence 18/12/2011

Filed under: My Black Dog — jillnottelten @ 8:57 am
Tags: , ,

Good Morning, good evening and good night.

Apologies to all for a long absence.  I have been running around in circles.

Miserable circles.

Busy circles.

Changing circles.

Family circles.

Circles of decision.

Circles of despair.

Circles of relief.

Circles of exhaustion.

Circles for lack of direction.

But I think that I have finally found where I am going.

The dog is back on his leash.

This is merely a short entry to promise more and that I will be back – probably later today and will catch up with the people I regularly visit and have been neglecting shortly.  I have been very short of energy for anything over the course of the last few weeks.

More later.  And that is a promise …

Jill

 

Black Thumb 06/11/2011

Habits.  My life is full of them.  Good ones.  Bad ones.  Helpful ones.  Ones that I have resolved to end a hundred times over, yet continue with.  I have things that I do because I like to.  Things that I do because I have to.  Things that I do because that’s just what I’ve always done.  Some I maintain consciously, some unconsciously; and some are maintained by failing to maintain others.  Habits.

I spent yesterday afternoon pottering in the garden.  Among my many little chores I spent lifted bulbs from some pots.

Now, I am very new to gardening.  My once black thumbs are currently oscillating between a brown and occasionally get a very slight hint of green (until I forget to water the garden for a few days in a row).  There is no science going on – it’s all experimentation … almost.  I do occasionally look things up on the net.  After I write this post I will be looking up what you do with bulbs after you lift them.

Which brings me to the some of the reflections that I had yesterday as I waxed poetical in my head and got very grotty at the same time.

I have never grown plants that were bulbs before.  So this year was certainly an experiment.  Some grew and some did not.  I believe that I probably planted some upside down, but can’t confirm that.  I probably over-watered some … they rotted in the soil.  Others grew and didn’t bloom.  I am not keeping bulbs of plants that did not bloom.  Some grew and missed a few days water and got hot wind and died while others did quite well.  Some even made it to bouquets for friends.

Yesterday came to the beginning of stage two of my experiment with bulbs.  I went to the pots that held the plants that had bloomed that I had liked and decided to lift the bulbs.  Not quite sure of the correct procedure I began to burrow.  Now the first pot was not so difficult.  They were tulips.  The second pot I did just to get rid of the bulbs because I still wanted to keep the pot, but needed to get the bulbs out.  They too, were easy to find.  The daffodils gave me no trouble.  And then I came to these other plants – whose name I do not recall – but the bulbs were in little nests that were distributed unevenly around the planter box and while the upper couple of bulbs in the nest were of reasonable size there were also bundles of little balls – I assume new bulbs – that would often fall free and needed fishing for.  It took a lot of work to sift through this pot to lift the bulbs.

While I was doing this it struck me that If I were this thorough with everything, much of my life would be a lot simpler.  I would not have forgotten to take my medication yesterday morning had I refilled my dosette box when I emptied it.  I would not get weary looking at the mess in the kitchen as often if I were in the habit of cleaning up after myself as I went  more regularly.  I would be exercising regularly by now instead of simply planning to start within the next month.  I would not grow weary from lack of sleep.  In short, I would be more scrupulous about my habits.  Certainly it’s laborious.  Yet, there is a purpose to these habits the same as there is a purpose to my clearing the pot.  I am seeking to be in the best of health so that I can get on with living and doing other things.  Just as I was clearing the pot so that I could plant something new in it that would grow over the summer months.  There is a purpose to maintaining habits that are mundane that is anything but.

The second reflection came to me while I was battling one-handed with my bush rose whilst watering it.  I was attempting to remove the spent blooms – I’ve been taught to do that, but don’t do it regularly enough so there are lots at present.  They’re all over the bush.  Some of them were impossible to get to without doing battle with thorns while working one-handed.  Others, within reach while able to be grasped and eventually detached, were not easy to remove.  I also managed to get spiked by the tree regardless.  Ouch.  How different the bush rose was from the geraniums which simply slip off the plant with the slightest pull.

I am much more like the bush rose than the geranium when it comes to surrendering my bad habits.  How much simpler life would be if when I noticed that I needed to change I were able to simply let go of the old ways like my geraniums.  But, no.  For me it is work.  It requires effort and often shakes up the petals of some of the other flowers during the process.  Occasionally, not just the dead rose came off with the pulling, but some of the good ones beside as well.  I think my roses are very much like my habits.  They grow without effort and bloom.  Often they serve a good purpose, but then are no longer needed.  Other times they just are.  But when they are past their usefulness and deadweight, burdensome – they do need removing.  Sometimes it can be done while I’m doing other maintenance like the watering, but I think that I am going to have to go out soon and pull them off myself deliberately.  One at a time.  Not a job that I see as stimulating, but to encourage the bush to be productive and to keep it looking healthy it needs to be done.  Now I just need to take the same path with my troublesome habits and learn to tackle them one at a time and replace them with helpful ones.

Will I be as meticulous in dealing with my dead habits that are no longer blooming as I work at being with my flowers?  Will I dig and sift as thoroughly as I looked for my bulbs when it comes to removing them?

Again I set my resolve to commit to tackle my environment and not let it get out of control  (The kitchen, living area and study are cluttered again and the floors are past cleaning time).  My dosette box should never be left empty – I used to be good with that.  There are a number of other things that I need to sit down and map out.

Which plant holds the flowers that are hardest to remove in your garden?  Just how carefully are you prepared to dig out your bulbs?

I think I still have black thumbs in the habit garden and it’s time to green up.  What colour are your thumbs?

It's loaded now!

 

The Wall with a Hole in it … 30/09/2011

And I’m not talking ATM.
Have you ever felt yourself to be up against that dragon that you were never destined to slay?  That worm you’ll never be early enough to get? The one that leaves you feeling like the Emperor in all his glory when he set out in grand style to show off his ‘new clothes’ just when you think you’ve gotten a hold on it.

My nemesis is time.  Not just any time – although we have a slippery time keeping pace with each other continually.  No, the ultimate battle is drawn around the time of sleep and waking.  Here I am repeatedly mauled by my dragon, eaten by the worm and left with nothing but the Emperor’s new clothes to show for all the effort that I have made to conquer the struggle.  I feel as though I am beating my head against a brick wall.

What happens you ask?

I set an alarm clock.  Actually I set two alarm clocks ten minutes apart.  I do not trust myself with one.  I have been known to turn one off in my sleep!  I set one to raise my level of consciousness and the other to wake me.  For most of the year this is adequate.  But then comes the changing of the guard – it starts to get light earlier or later in the spring or autumn and for several weeks my dog hides the alarm clocks.  He must.  Some nights anyway – because they sure as hell don’t wake me.  But then I also have trouble in getting to sleep – so maybe it’s not all the dog’s fault.  At times I sleep no more than an hour or two a night.  Others I may get to sleep and then wake up at two in the afternoon – ON A WORK DAY!  This year I thought that I was winning at work until the seasonal sleep monster set in.

Right now I feel like I am beating my head against a brick clock.  In getting to sleep.  In waking up.  In getting to work.  My psychiatrist has given me something to try for the short-term (ie 4-6 weeks) as it’s a regular pattern and struggle and part of a bigger picture of short-term seasonal change in my mood.  It’s not a relapse – just a dip.  But oh so disappointing because its been so stable for so long.  In lots of ways I think I could handle it if the sleep didn’t go out the window.  It’s started to affect my work though, so I’m taking the medical option this time.  Maybe next time I’ll be able to have the personal strategies down strongly enough to manage it without boosting my meds for a few weeks – but I need to prioritise keeping my job over my pride for this time.  I may have to wake up and phone in to work in the Emperor’s new clothes.  I do not have to parade through the streets in them.

Bloody Dog.

Damn Clock.

So for now I get my sleep under control.  I keep my mood stable with a little extra help than usual until the season settles.  At least I will be able to keep the dog in his place.  At least I will stop messing things up so badly in getting to work.  It will only be for a few weeks and then its back to the normal cocktail that I’ve accepted will be a part of everyday.  Back to using my ‘personal medicine’ or lifestyle strategies to manage life and its stressors.  Then I get summer to strengthen my other skills and to be ready for autumn when it comes.  Perhaps I will plan a short increase in meds again.  Perhaps I will plan time off work.  Perhaps I will be enough on top of my sleep to manage it with flying colours.

My Dog loves the twilight of the seasons.  He thinks its play time.  He loves the dawn.  He dances while I wake.

Oh to be able to open one eye and say in my firmest voice.

“Sit. Dog.  Sit!”

And have confidence that he’d obey.

One day.  One day he will.  One day I am determined to slay that dragon.

One day.

 

Seasons Come & Seasons Go 29/09/2011

Some people are Summer people.  Some people, spring people.  Some are winter people.  Some love autumn.

No, I’m not talking about people’s colouring or the things that they like to wear (that is something that I, in fact know very little about).  I am simply talking about peoples’ favourite times of year.  Some people like to soak up the sunshine in summery garb out in the garden, down at the beach or over at the local pool.  Others love to curl up by the fire in their favourite jumper under a rug with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate – or put a movie on.  Some love the colours of autumn and the beginnings of that lick of ice in the early evening.  And some the radiant brightness of spring, its scents, the new life, the slow steady warmth, the magpies diving at you from overhead…

I never settled to a favourite time of year.  I really do enjoy almost all of all seasons – and by the time one ends I am ready for the next.  I am not fond of the days that exceed 40 degrees celsius with no cool breeze for long stretches at a time.  Hot winds are their own breed of evil in Australia for reasons far beyond temperature tolerance.  I’m not a great fan of temperatures at the other end of the spectrum either – especially if they come with a wind.  Actually – wind bugs me more than temperature.  But seasons – apart from the odd bits like getting up in the dark to go to work in winter – seasons are a delight.  Full of life.  At least, I always used to think so.

My dog pays attention to the seasons too.

Unlike me, the dog has clear preferences for different times of the year.  It took me a while to work this out, but its consistent.  The dog is stubborn in winter.  He moves slow.  He needs more time.  He takes more time and holds me up whether I plan it or not and he wears me out more easily than he does during the warmer months.  I think he’s arthritic.  He gives me no trouble if I allow for the arthritis though.  A bit more sleep – 1/2 hr or so more than I need in summer and I’m fine.  I just need to be patient.

Summer is usually the dog’s best time of year.  He still needs discipline, but he’s more content to walk at heel and doesn’t drag and tug away at the lead.  Spring and Autumn are strange.  Most of the seasons fall in with the winter and summer behaviour for Dog according to temperature and what the light is doing.  In each of these season there comes a point where the light changes – and over these few weeks the dog goes nuts.  He is unpredictable.  I can not afford to let my guard down for more than a few moments at a time.  My sleep gets poor – this starts the ball rolling.  My energy levels become low, my motivation to maintain routine relapse prevention strategies gets sloppy and I soooo don’t feel like doing anything about it.  It at these times that I have frequently relapsed (almost without exception).  I made it through autumn this year.  So far I have struggled this far through the last few weeks.  Another 3 – 4 should see me through the worst of it.

Until then, its keep on keeping on and stick to the programme.  Watch for warning signs – the very time of year in and of itself is a trigger – even without the presence of other factors.  Light does funny things to my health in other areas too.  It’s like the dog becomes delirious.  Here is a time when I need my friends and family – my supports more than any other time of the year.  I’m struggling to get to work on time at the moment, but so far my boss has let me cover with time in lieu.  Still, I’m determined to conquer that one too.  I get there on time more often than not – just not as often as I should.  Just now – when I least feel like it – discipline becomes oh so important.

I had my last review with my Psychiatrist this week.  We agreed that it would also be possibly a beneficial thing to increase one of my medications for 1-2 months during the peak risk zone while I’m wrestling risk factors and wavering – just for that short-term – and then go back to my current dose afterwards as the weather and season stabilises a bit more.

Hopefully the combination of ‘personal medicine’ or monitoring of triggers and early warning signs with the kind of action plans that are outlined in my post “Better Medicine”  with the temporary medication adjustment will prove to be a good protective measure.  I’ve had a good year.  I’d hate to mess it up now.  I’m hoping to get to at least a whole year without a relapse this year!

So roll on to the latter end of Spring.  Because despite all of this, I really do love spring.  There’s a certain level of hope and promise in the air in Spring that’s unique to this time of year.

Come Dog.  Heel.  Walk.  Heel.  Walk.  Heel …

 

Marionette 26/07/2011

Filed under: Poetry — jillnottelten @ 8:24 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

This was written at a time when I was feeling exhausted and spent; dangling as though on a string like a marionette.

Some laugh at the world – but what’s to laugh at?

It used to be so easy – but I can’t remember how.

A ghostly chuckle in my ears –

A relaxed, contented smile before my eyes:

My voice. My smile. My ears. My joy.

They seem so distant to me now; plunged in the depths

of self-pity, loneliness, frustration and depression.

The wells of my eyes are barren.

There is no relief for the dryness of my heart

as it cracks and I dangle from a string.

If I refuse the string, I could live a life

of sheer and utter relief;

Relief from the barrage of emotions that storm me

from minute to minute…

hour to hour…

day to day.

In the depths of the gully I would gladly surrender

the thrill of soaring the heights.

At the heights I would wish me more string.

In the middle – I pause and wish for moderation –

But what the cost?

 

Vanishing Days 28/06/2011

This was written six months after major brain surgery.  I now know that this is a major risk factor for depression.  At this time I took it that my body was reacting with exhaustion to trauma.  Retrospectively, the truth is that what I was probably experiencing was a combination of both.  It’s amazing how long a black dog can circle you unnoticed despite impeding your walk and causing you to stumble.  One thing that strikes me as a shame is that there was then, perhaps there is now – no active follow-up of people who had major brain surgery to screen for depression.  The statistics for it are actually quite high and warrant it – I will have to look them up again to add them in here.

Anyway, this is Vanishing Days
I’d pack up all I have to disappear

I’d run a thousand miles away from here

To abandon this life with all its confusion

To flee reality and resist the illusion –

I long to be free from all complications

From all of those everyday expectations

Where nobody has any knowledge of me

How I long from this everyday life just to flee.

But where would I go?

And how would I know –

That I’d run far enough to be free?

For no matter where I’d begun –

No matter where I might run –

Every place I could go I’d find me.

 

 
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