This morning I did something awful.
Well I did a lot of good things. But today I’m not writing about the good things.
Today I made decisions that meant that I did a lot of very useful things.
I just did one awful thing.
The very useful things helped me all day.
The awful thing was left behind this morning.
Perhaps sometime, when I have been at it for longer I will blog about one of the very useful things that I did.
Today I blog about the awful one.
I felt fan-tas-tic after every one of the good things that I did.
I shocked myself with the awful thing.
I was pleased that I shocked myself.
I don’t think I have ever had it shock me before.
It means that – perhaps the good work that I have been doing is working.
It means the therapy I did has continued to change me with practice.
…. even if I did do something awful.
This morning, not far from the start of the day
“#*@t Jill, you’re stupid!” in disgust.
And I meant it.
Woo! Jill that is so unfair , what did you do! Seriously I think I see what you mean. You realized what you did was bad and you chastised yourself. You meant it and you accepted it was bad! Forget the bad thing jill and rejoice in the good! Sometimes I do nothing right!! XX
That”s just it Willow. I was unfair to myself. I am not stupid. I did something stupid that put me in an awkward position. The great thing is that it’s the first time I’ve shocked myself by being unfair to myself. So maybe, just maybe, I’m getting somewhere for real that I’ve been practicing as a ‘principle’ for a long time. Maybe I’m starting to really believe that I am worth treating better than my self-talk does sometimes. That’s pretty huge. Its easy enough to believe the principle and to believe about others – but for myself – that’s a shift that’s been more hypothesis than belief to me til now.
Yay! You got mad about beating up on yourself! I’m so proud!